Thursday, 2 June 2011

bad day

ugh today has been shit.... so... went work... had a bad day with hangover. got pretty wasted last night. and then got home and matt was a jerk to me ...  fot a txt from chris ( hes in hospital with 2nd stage aids and now got ceptaceamia and his infections markers are through the roof ) ... saying he worried and alone. he been admitted onto differant ward and on critical. so rushed off to see hime. spent 4 hours sitting with him. managed to get him to play wee game of monopoly.. he won... lol...

then next thing he spikes a temp of 40 plus and just complete arghh.  ended up having to leave  but i feel terrible for him. and come home and matt is feeling guilty cause saw me upset and i just want him to fuck off.

so having a drink... may end up being too many.. but i dont give a toss.. i want to get fakurd!

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

fucked up

last night... matt was upset and i went talk to him and as i was giving him a hug for some fucked up reason we kissed...... as in.. snog fro say 10 seconds... before i pulled away as he pulled me in and i bolted..


so after panicking etc etc ... and some added courage from freind xx.... i went talk to him..

messed up started panicking couldnt talk stuttered like a total dickhead and felt faint. sat on bed tryed control myself. matt was comforting me trying to help. he started like holding my hand and kissed my head was being like.. intimate? is that word? .... and then talked.. and i asked if he had feelings for me. he stopped talking and got in bed rolled away from me. just silence.and i lay back on bed and i fell asleep . woke up aroudn 6am and he like .. we were touching hands... i pulled away and shot up and he woke. and grabbed for my hand then like was shocked looked at me then got up walked out in silence and got in shower.. and like i went my room to go bed. i  ended up taking ket again. but just wee bit thoguht would help.


he comes home after work today and hes given me silent treatment. hes in a foul mood.. wont even look at me. had an argument and he threatened me and i got real angry and threw hiim off me and floored him. he was shocked .. and then i asked again if he had feelings. and he got up called me a fag and walked out.

i have no idea where he is. his phone is off. woried out my head. and just dont knwo what to do. i dont want to bail out on anyone.. ive asked around if anyone seen him. nobody has as off yet. im just... i feel sick to my stomach. just want him to come home. ive known him nearly all my life. and hes always been there for me. hes my family. and things have really gotten so messed up. i dont know what the hell to think. of anything any more. just want my bro back. i dont want lose himx

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Thursday, 5 May 2011


laying in bed on blackberry. face is throbbing, cant lay on sides . got blood on the pillow from my lip. stings so much . hope marks go away and doesnt scar. line from eyebrow across blackeye then cheek and lip . got smaller one down over cheek. got them om arms sides back chest calves butt privates. everywhere is so sore i cant lay here in any position without pain. but its okay i deserve this. my punishment. and if that bitch thinks shes broken me she better think twice. il show her. i can take alot more than she thinks. she may of wont the fight but i wont let her win the war.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

just a fucked up poem...

Sometimes i sit in silence
And think of what could of been
Where i kept my innocence
And didn’t need to bleed
Then i realise im dreaming
And good ones never come true
Instead im left alone screaming
In the hell im forced through

Sometimes i think of dying
thoughts that forever linger
But i just end up crying
Face screwed up in anger
Anger thats internal
Pulsating through my bones
Im buried deep in this inferno
Burning ... and alone

Now the drink touches my lips
And slips slowly down my throat
Once again this devil dips
trapping my thoughts in a coat
Its got pockets inside and out
And made of a protective armour
Now each glass i cannot count
And im slipping farther and farther

The walls creep closer
Swaying and blurring
Mimicking my behaviour
This war is only stirring
A battle will ensue
scars will be made
And as my body turns blue
Youl see my body is slayed

May i rest in peace
On this cold bathroom floor
And slowly peice by piece
Steadily drift up and through the door
To a place free from pain
From anger and fear
And all thats left is a stain
The remains of red tears

Pete x

Thursday, 31 March 2011

my first ever blog .....

i dont know what to write ... so .... ummmm.......

<3 spiderman! lol