last night... matt was upset and i went talk to him and as i was giving him a hug for some fucked up reason we kissed...... as in.. snog fro say 10 seconds... before i pulled away as he pulled me in and i bolted..
so after panicking etc etc ... and some added courage from freind xx.... i went talk to him..
messed up started panicking couldnt talk stuttered like a total dickhead and felt faint. sat on bed tryed control myself. matt was comforting me trying to help. he started like holding my hand and kissed my head was being like.. intimate? is that word? .... and then talked.. and i asked if he had feelings for me. he stopped talking and got in bed rolled away from me. just silence.and i lay back on bed and i fell asleep . woke up aroudn 6am and he like .. we were touching hands... i pulled away and shot up and he woke. and grabbed for my hand then like was shocked looked at me then got up walked out in silence and got in shower.. and like i went my room to go bed. i ended up taking ket again. but just wee bit thoguht would help.
he comes home after work today and hes given me silent treatment. hes in a foul mood.. wont even look at me. had an argument and he threatened me and i got real angry and threw hiim off me and floored him. he was shocked .. and then i asked again if he had feelings. and he got up called me a fag and walked out.
i have no idea where he is. his phone is off. woried out my head. and just dont knwo what to do. i dont want to bail out on anyone.. ive asked around if anyone seen him. nobody has as off yet. im just... i feel sick to my stomach. just want him to come home. ive known him nearly all my life. and hes always been there for me. hes my family. and things have really gotten so messed up. i dont know what the hell to think. of anything any more. just want my bro back. i dont want lose himx